Laughter struck her with such force that she barely managed to bring her hand to her face in time. This was her latest method when it wasn’t enough to clench her mouth shut, and she couldn’t bend down to hide her teeth. The latter worked better at a table anyway; it was less conspicuous there. At least, in her opinion. It was pure luck that both her hands were empty now. This laughter was a bit hysterical, a bit forced, as she was so nervous her stomach was trembling. Almost half-past one. Her neighbor knew nothing about where she was going. She didn’t dare tell anyone. Only if it really works out. Until then, no. She wasn’t superstitious, but she had been disappointed too many times. Too many tears had been shed for this goal.
She remembered the book her mother had recommended. It was written by a plastic surgeon about his patients who kept undergoing one surgery after another because they could never truly be satisfied with themselves. But she didn’t care about how she looked. She just wanted to smile, anytime, anywhere. To laugh even when both hands were full.
“You do know that it won’t be you anymore, right?” her sister asked when she told her what she had decided to do.
What nonsense is that? If she doesn’t have to clench her mouth so tightly that it hurts, then she won’t be herself anymore? Why? Because she’s not inherently allowed to enjoy a hearty laugh?
“If it’s just that you’re upset about being ugly, you can still have a very happy life.”
She paid a month’s salary for that sentence to the private doctor, who took another ten years of laughing away from her. From her, who giggles even if someone shakes their little finger.
No one understands what it’s like to be a teenager who always has to cover their mouth. To be in love and not be able to smile freely into the soul of the other person. She could never laugh wholeheartedly at the jokes of the boy she adored. She would never get the chance. She missed that. The boy has grown up since then, become a doctor, a gastroenterologist, and she’s perfectly healthy.
“Babe, why do you always make that face in the class photos? Why don’t you smile properly?” Lesley asked, who surely didn’t mean to hurt her but still twisted the knife in her heart.
If the boy had known what torture each photo session was and how she awaited the finished pictures with dread, he surely wouldn’t have asked.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t fix your bite perfectly. Maybe with surgery, but I wouldn’t recommend it.”
She jumped up, crying.
“The best I can do is straighten your upper teeth…”
She sat back down. She didn’t dare believe it.
The best? She had dreamed for over twenty years about having straight upper teeth. She didn’t want a perfect bite; she just wanted to smile freely. To laugh with two bags in her hands. And, if things went well, to feel like a woman. Really, truly.
Even now, she can hardly believe it, and it’s almost half-past one.
It was exhausting, and it hurt a little. But it’s on. After so many years of waiting, she has braces. An official confirmation that she will soon have beautiful teeth. From now on, the world is hers.
In her favorite tight, white sweatpants and a nice, simple black top, she waited for the plumber. If there hadn’t been sewage on the bathroom floor, she would have surely worn a pretty summer dress for the big occasion when she first met a man since (three hours ago) she got braces. Now she’s so proud of it, even though as a child, she cried at the thought of having wires in her mouth. She never would have thought that this would become her biggest dream. Nor that she would enjoy the dreaded pain. The pain that signals her teeth are slowly finding their place.
Leaning against the kitchen cabinet drawer, gripping the counter with both hands, she threw her head back and laughed at the man’s funny analogy. It probably wasn’t even that funny, but for the first time in her life, she laughed freely, with an open mouth. From the top of her head to the tips of her toes, she was glowing. She bathed in her own light. She had finally truly arrived. At the age of thirty-four.
If only someone would ask her what she loves to do most in the world! She could joyfully, without hesitation, say: smile!
The man closed the van door and wiped his hands on his pants.
“She was cool, wasn’t she?”
“Which one, the one with the braces?”
“Did she have braces?”
“Yeah, didn’t you see?”
“Funny, I didn’t even notice.”