“You know what you have to do,” came the relentless judgment.
Dora’s body filled with icy fear from head to toe. She didn’t respond. She didn’t even have the strength to cry. And she couldn’t scare the little ones either.
It was as if she were under a glass dome. She could hear the two little ones playing intently, but the sounds seemed terrifyingly distant. She gave herself a few moments to let her thoughts run wild. Only a few, so that fear and self-pity wouldn’t take over; otherwise, she’d fall apart and be unable to get up from the couch to make their snack. She didn’t even need to look at the clock. She knew it was almost four. The twins were calm, as always, knowing that the food would never be late. Usually, the bananas and bread would be on the table before their stomachs could even start rumbling. Maybe not this time, and for once, they might actually let her know they’re hungry. Their future wouldn’t be ruined over a few minutes.
“You know what you have to do!”
She didn’t dare move, afraid one of the children would lose focus and ask to be held in her lap. Then she wouldn’t be able to run through that miserable film in her mind. Not that she didn’t know it by heart. The difference was that this time, she couldn’t cry at the end. She wasn’t about to put her two little innocents through that; fortunately, they hadn’t noticed her brief breakdown. Which, anyway, had lasted only a few bitter minutes. She filled her lungs with small, shallow breaths. She didn’t want to sigh. “You know what you have to do,” echoed her sister’s strict voice in her mind. Does she really know? And how can her sister be so sure? She looked at her children. And what about them? What will happen to their safe little world? Her sister thought Dora’s self-respect was the most important thing. But Dora was far more afraid of shattering the calm in her children’s lives than of her husband trampling on her self-respect.
“Others have done it in much harder situations.”
Yes. Undoubtedly, there are situations where a person doesn’t think twice but just grabs her kids and leaves. It doesn’t matter where, just away. But this wasn’t that kind of situation. Here, it was only drinking and insults. For now. The twins had everything. Especially her, their mother, who was able to be there for them instead of pulling long shifts somewhere. Her sister said it was selfish of her not to leave. Leave for what? A rented apartment, a part-time job, daycare? And that wouldn’t be selfish? If Dora chose her self-respect over her children’s comfort, would that be the right decision? Even if it meant a life of insecurity and an anxious, always nervous mother?
“You’ll go back, and that’s that.”
Her position had been cut long ago. As soon as she left, the company had been restructured. Not because of her; they’d planned all along to outsource the administration. Everyone knew Dora wouldn’t be going back. She didn’t want to, either. She would start her own business as soon as the opportunity presented itself with the two little ones. Once they spent a few hours in daycare, it would be a huge relief. But that was still a year away. She’d planned it all so well. She knew what to do once the three years were up. She’d never feared the future because, for as long as she could remember, she’d moved forward intentionally, keeping her goal in sight. Now here was a situation where everyone seemed to know exactly how it should be solved. And what if she didn’t want to solve it their way?
“What example are you setting for your kids?”
They’re two years old, for fuck’s sake. Beyond eating and playing, they’re not interested in anything else. Especially not what happens when they’re already fast asleep. The miserable feeling in her chest was replaced by anger. Everyone kept bringing up the kids, even though they were the least affected by all this. They didn’t know their father thought that taking care of the household and raising them wasn’t work but freeloading off him. They didn’t understand how humiliating it was when the man they rode on like a horse told his friends that their mom did nothing but suck the life out of him.
“You can’t be so selfish.”
The vilest form of manipulation. The most disgusting provocation. You’re the selfish one, damn you! Come here and help! Don’t just give advice from afar; come here, go through what I do, and be an example! Oh, it’s not convenient that way? You only know what I should be doing from a distance, popcorn and soda in hand?