I don’t have to be nervous anymore.
I never thought calling someone could be this hard. Especially someone you really, really want to talk to. Typing in the number was easy enough. Then I just froze.
I stared at the screen, suddenly having no clue what came next. My mind disappeared into a dark, silent fog. It politely excused itself from the situation. Whatever this situation even was. I deleted the number and shoved my phone back into my bag. Before I got another ridiculous idea.
Instead, I opened an Excel sheet and planned out my week down to the minute. I messaged my friends to let them know I had officially stopped existing and not to bother looking for me. If I needed something, I’d reach out.
I set aside two whole days for Ben’s catalogue, accepting the risk that I’d fall behind on my weekly Telekom workload. In the end, I only managed to get back on track by working until two in the morning every night through Friday.
The lemon balm tea had to go, though. I kept waking up during the night feeling the pleasant relief of peeing. Thankfully, only in my dreams. Still, I didn’t want to risk it.
The wrapper from the cherry energy bar and Ryan’s business card ended up on my fridge, held there by magnets. I needed to feel his presence somehow. Sometimes, whenever I walked past, I’d stroke them lightly.
And every time, I’d feel his mouth on mine again. The hard, lean muscles stretched beneath his T-shirt.
Then Friday night rolled around, and the little devil on my shoulder finally climbed aboard. Actually, so did the woman who made the fatal decision.
I shut down my computer, took a shower, washed my hair, and got rid of every unnecessary body hair in existence. Then I pulled out my special-occasion lace lingerie and—wearing nothing but panties and a bra, and after one gin and tonic—called Ryan.
“Good evening, Ryan,” I purred. “This is the Wizard Bureau secretary’s office.”
The quiet chuckle on the other end immediately relaxed me and gave me courage.
“My boss asked me to summon you into the depths. Apparently she owes you a magic potion.”
He laughed.
“Wow, that sounds incredibly tempting, but tell the Queen of Wizards I’m afraid I’m staying right where I am because bath time is about to begin. You know, up here in the skies little elves occasionally appear.”
And if that hadn’t been enough to kill the mood, the happy shrieking in the background—
“I’m an elf! I’m an elf!” —finished off whatever desire I had left.
“Oh. Wow,” I stammered, forcing out a laugh. “Aw, they have such cute little… creature voices.”
The earth opened beneath me the second the words left my mouth. Thick drops of sweat gathered at the back of my neck as I realized I had just referred to his children as creatures.Even as a joke. Who knew what parents thought about things like that?
“Alright, I’ll call you later. Ciao.”
And then he hung up.
That was it.
Done.
I’ll call you later.
Possibly the most brutal sentence a man can say to a woman.
I’ll call you later.
Translation:
You’ve been brushed off, sweetheart. You’re done. Not interested. Accept it.
Suddenly I couldn’t decide whether embarrassment or frustration would rip me apart first. I grabbed one of the decorative pillows and screamed into it. Then I threw on my robe, marched to the fridge, took out the leftover gin, topped it off with tonic, and walked out onto the balcony exactly as I was.
Standing there above the world in lace underwear, drinking my cocktail straight from the bottle. At that moment, I was both pathetic and a financially independent, successful single woman in her own apartment.
Out there in the warm night air, I carefully collected all the reasons why things had actually turned out better this way. The humiliation had landed hard, but I had to admit there were advantages.
No one was going to hate me for sleeping with their father.
Nothing else came to mind, but honestly, that one felt pretty convincing. I’m only twenty-eight. I don’t need complications like that. And I definitely don’t want to be doing kindergarten pickups for anyone.
I didn’t sleep much. But I slept surprisingly well.
The next morning I was out of bed before seven-thirty. I’d barely finished my morning routine when I heard my phone buzz. Ryan’s name on the screen hit me like an electric shock.
I answered cautiously.
“Wow.”
That was all I could manage.
“What are you doing right now?”
My whole body went numb.
“Right now?” I asked, trying to sound casual while attempting to swallow the massive lump stuck in my throat.
“Right now.”
Someone knocked.
I stopped breathing.
Right now?
Just like that?
I opened the door.
Holy shit.
No way.
Actually right now.
Actually just like that.
My knees were literally shaking while he walked into the apartment. He acted as if it were completely normal to stand in my living room at eight-forty in the morning. Hands in his pockets, he looked around, humming approvingly.
But the slight catch in his voice and the tiny spot of toothpaste abandoned in the corner of his mouth gave him away. He was even more nervous than I was.
When neither of us managed to break the unbearable tension, I stepped toward him and touched his elbow.
He flinched at my icy, damp hand.
“S-so where exactly did we leave off?” he asked, his voice trembling.
“You wanted to go shopping,” I whispered.
A tiny laugh escaped him with a soft exhale.
Maybe I smiled too. Or maybe I only tried. He kissed me awkwardly.
Small, hesitant kisses followed one another. Our tongues stayed exactly where they were. Hidden safely inside our mouths. For a while.
Slowly, little by little, we settled into it. The excitement simply wouldn’t stop. One second I was gasping for air, the next I was swallowing hard.
And then suddenly I relaxed. I let it carry me. His skin stretched hot over hard, lean muscle. You could feel how much effort it took for him to force himself to stay calm. Who knew how long it had been since he’d been with anyone. His hands set off impatiently, greedily exploring me while he kept stopping for breath.
To buy us both a little time, I guided him toward the bedroom. The brief interruption helped. The change of scenery helped. I grew bolder. He calmed down.
I even closed the door to make the space around us feel smaller, more intimate. After that, we didn’t need to stop anymore.
I don’t know whether it’s age, experience, or simply who he is, but he makes love differently from anyone I’ve ever been with. More like an adult. More restrained.
Except for the first round, which didn’t last more than a few minutes. But after spending the past few weeks on an emotional and sexual roller coaster, that was exactly what I needed.
I needed that quick release too. Needed it so I could finally relax enough to lose myself in him afterward.
As for what happens now… I honestly have no idea. Today he took the kids to a birthday party. From now on, he sets the pace. I’m fine drifting. I got what I wanted. Right now, I’m thinking maybe that was enough. Though tomorrow I might feel differently.
Luckily, I don’t have to be nervous anymore.