Emily’s Diary – Entry 21

No Watch

I called Ryan. Locked myself in the bathroom, took a deep breath, and tapped his name on the screen. I could hear it in his voice — he was surprised.

“Well, well, Magic Girl…”

The way he said it made something in me go soft. We don’t use pet names for just anyone. Right? I felt a little relieved.

“I thought I’d give you a ring, just to check you’re all doing okay.”

No idea why I said it in the plural. It just came out that way.

“Thanks, everyone’s fine. And you?”

I tried to swallow the cold lump tightening in my throat.

“Me too. Though I’m starting to forget how to do magic.”

I looked in the mirror and gave my reflection an approving nod.

Not bad. A pun. With a deeper meaning. Before nine in the morning. Not bad at all.

A quiet laugh came from the other end of the line. So he’d appreciated it too.

“Well, we’ll see what we can do about that,” he said, almost under his breath. “I’ll be in touch soon, okay?”

“Okay,” I breathed.

The lump grew bigger. By the time we hung up, a painful tightness had crept into my stomach.

Somehow… I don’t know. Some part of me had expected more from him. Even though I hadn’t been expecting anything. At least, that’s what I told myself. He could have picked up with wild enthusiasm. Instead, he was sweet. Polite. Reserved.

I didn’t dare look in the mirror. I was afraid of the face that would look back at me. Just feeling it was already more than enough.

Head down, I shuffled into the kitchen. I got out my childhood strawberry-shaped mug, the one I got the time I broke my arm and my mom was trying to comfort me. These days I only bring it out when I need a little sympathy. For bigger problems, there’s gin.

I lingered over coffee for a long while on the terrace, just watching the river. Nothing calms me down like water. Lake, river, sea, ocean, doesn’t matter. Watching it move slowly calms me down. And if I can hear it lapping too, or feel it rocking, nothing beats it.

For a second, the sunset on Ben’s boat flashed into my mind. An excited shiver ran through me. My toes curled again, just thinking about it. I smiled. Even though I’d already decided I wasn’t going sailing again. That was time I couldn’t afford to lose.

Then, like a spring had launched me, I jumped to my feet and hurried to my desk. I got straight to work and stuck to it like a good little angel until two in the morning. Before falling asleep, I sipped my gin and tonic out of the strawberry mug, looking out over the sleeping city at dawn. I watched, almost without thinking, the hotel boats drifting along the river. Didn’t even register how busy the traffic was, even at that hour.

The days have blurred together a bit, but it must have been Wednesday when I ran down to the shop on the ground floor of my building. I wasn’t really in the mood. I’d had a strange feeling about it from the moment I left. I even paused in the doorway for a second. Thought it might be better to just stay home. But of course, I didn’t listen to myself.

There was no one in the little shop except the cashier. Relieved, I tossed a few things into my basket and hurried to the register. This time the lump wasn’t in my throat, it was pressing somewhere on top of my chest.

As I headed for the exit after paying, Ryan walked in.

With both kids.

And an older woman.

I froze on the spot. In all the time we’d been sleeping together, we’d never once run into each other outside my apartment. I had no idea what to do. Especially since the woman’s features were eerily similar to Ryan’s.

I started waving with a dopey grin. And they instinctively waved back. All of them. Every single one. It was mortifying.

I think I even stamped my foot, hoping the ground would just open up and swallow me whole. To make it worse, the little group started heading toward the aisle right behind me. Ryan gave an awkward little nod, lips pressed together, then immediately looked away.

“Later,” I whispered.

Then I bolted out of the shop.

Later. Christ. Why the hell did that come out of my mouth? I’ve never said goodbye like that in my life.

I raked my free hand through the hair at the back of my neck and gripped it hard enough to hurt. I had to snap myself out of it somehow, so I wouldn’t end up whining out loud in front of the shop about what an idiot I was.

By the time I got up to my apartment, I’d calmed down a bit. I started seeing it a little differently. Ryan was the awkward one. He was the one who acted strange. He couldn’t even manage a proper hello. And then he looked away right after. I still can’t decide whether that was humiliating or just an unlucky moment. Either way, if that really was his mother with him, I definitely won’t be finding out anytime soon.

*

Ben sent me a photo Friday morning of two sailboats floating side by side. One white, one black. The message just said:

Right or left?

I smiled. I thought it was a sweet move. So apparently there were only two to choose from, not twenty-something. Of course, I still liked that big blue yacht best, the one we watched the sunset from. Except that one doesn’t have a sail. So I had to settle for these two, equally impressive specimens. I picked the black one, with its huge grey sails. Sexy and a little intimidating, all at once. The photos weren’t taken on the river, but at sea.

“Alright, then, I’ll saddle it up.”

Looks like I’m going sailing tomorrow after all. That good kind of thrill hit me again. Damn. Water. Speed. One hell of a boat.

Before bed, I drank Grumpy’s lemon balm tea instead of the gin. The last thing I needed was a hangover and to throw up all over that beauty.

*

Ben was waiting by his car, arms crossed behind him. I spotted his freshly cut hair right away. His absurdly sharp sailing gear tugged a small smile out of me. Seems like this man does everything properly. And no matter how hard I tried to look casual, I couldn’t do a thing about the excited buzzing running through my whole body, or the corner of my mouth that kept curling upward no matter what. I could practically feel my eyes shining, the little muscles around them doing a happy dance.

“I hope you’ve got nothing planned for today,” he said as we set off. “Nobody who sails checks their watch.”

I didn’t bother mentioning that it barely mattered to me either way. A hundred percent chance I’d be paying for this little escape somehow. Instead, I just shook my head shyly.

Then I pulled the shutters down inside. I didn’t want to think about anything except what existed within these few square meters. This one was mine.

I belonged on that boat. Sure, I was dressed head to toe in white, but my silver lace-up sneakers and the skirt cinching my waist worked perfectly with the boat and with Ben’s outfit.

“Come up to the bow!” He held out his hand.

Our palms fit together softly. Then our arms tensed. I leaned my weight on him, and he held me steady.

When we reached the bow, he showed me where to hold onto the mast.

“I’m going back to start the motor. Once we’re out of the harbor, you’ll need to come back, because it’s not safe up here for you yet. Once you get the hang of it, you’ll love it, but until then, stay by me.”

His firm, warm words landed somewhere deep, in the best way. He’s looking out for me.

God, it felt so good pulling out of that harbor! I wanted to close my eyes, but at the same time I wanted to watch the world rushing past.

The whole time I was making my way back to him, he never took his eyes off me. He kept telling me what to grab, where to step, which way to go. Then I sat down as close to him as I could.

Watching him raise the sail was one of the best scenes of my life. Every move he made radiated confidence and strength. It seemed like everything had its exact place. Down to the millimeter. My heart pounded when the sail finally caught the wind I hadn’t even noticed until then.

And when we turned around, that was everything. The momentum of the turn. Ben’s straining muscles. His concentration. His sharp gaze. That all-encompassing focus. It completely enchanted me. In my excitement, I gripped the edge of the seat with both hands, grinning through clenched teeth, as if my own strength was somehow part of the maneuver too.

This is a man who would never sidle past someone in a shop with his head half-lowered. He’d walk right up, wrap his arms around her confidently, and say:

“Come here, Emily. Let me introduce you to my mother.”

He’s incredibly good-looking, by the way.